I shouldn't have called Jared. I called him last night and told him no before he could even answer. And then I told him not to answer at all. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Then we did talk for a little longer. I told him about what I had planned for a little while. I really want to move in with Katty as soon as I can. He's proud of me for finally planning something for myself. I never bothered to think about my own future while I was with him because I was planning for life with him instead. I still don't know what I really want for myself in the long run, but I know I need to move out!

But of course, it still hurts that we are apart after all this time. And being alone is weird. I may need some time to relax on my own at some point, but company will be well apprieciated!!!

And I'm super excited about Super Street Fighter IV. New alternate costumes!! WHOOOO!!! MORE!!! More SF cosplay! My favorite thing to cosplay ever!!! We just need to convince more tournament organizers they they need cosplayers at the events.
And Tali, you need to see Cammy's new outfit. LOLOLOLOL. Awesome.

So, I logged in for the first time in many, many months to post a comment. Now that I'm logged in, I'm tempted to update everyone on my life's happenings.

...nah.

Talked with Jared last night. I mean really talked. Got everything out. We were able to explain everything that was going through our heads. Really clear the air. And make everything more complicated in the process.

We weren't going anywhere because we weren't opening up properly to each other. We didn't know how to communicate. And then I thought back to the book Mike lent me in the fall. It was about learning to communicate love in different ways to different types of people. I re evaluated everything, bawled my face off last night.

Woke up and thought, all or nothing. Really. Called him up this morning and told him that I move in with him or we have nothing more to say.

That's what the problem was. We weren't giving each other our all. He was afraid to open up to me because I cheated on him. I was afraid to truely be myself because I feared rejection and hated myself because of that.

Naturally, if this goes down, there will be conditions met. He can't get upest if I get piercings, tattoos or go out drinking. And of course the kitchen gets converted to a sewing room. And I have to pull my weight around too. And learn to drive. Even if I don't have a car, it would still make me feel grown up to know how to drive. o.0

I think I resented him a little bit. I was trying to make up for the shit I did by spending all of my spare time with him. So I never got to see my friends. If I move in with him, I'll see him enough on weeknights and in the mornings. Then I have time to see all of my friends whenever I want!

I don't want you all to think that your help and support was wasted. I'm totally grateful to all of you. I would have cracked way sooner if it wasn't for you. But there is only a 50/50 chance that this will work. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think it was truely worth it. But really, what do I have to lose? It's a yes or no question, and if he says no, then I can move on like I was prepared to do so in the first place.

thank you everyone!! I didn't realize that so many people cared about me. This is because I rarely ever got to see people for the past couple years. So somedays, I didn't think I had any friends. I just have to let all of you people know that I am so grateful for your support!!!

I don't think it was a messy break up. It was actually quite reasonable. I gathered all my things today. But it's all at Kat's right now. So I've got to go over there soon to retrieve it! haha.

SojuFest was great tonight as well. It was fun to see people! Real people! And the singing may have been questionable. I really need to know if I sing well. I love to sing. However, enjoying singing and actually being good are two totally different things. Damn. I left my little notebook on the table. I hope someone noticed it!

mood: grateful

Last month, Jared had a Street Fighter party and didn't invite me. He wasn't even going to tell me he was having one. I had to pry it out of him by guessing why I wasn't able to stay over at his house on that Saturday night. The reason I was completely excluded from this event is because Jared's friends hate me.

A few days before New Years, I finally figured out what I wanted to do for the evening. I called Jared to tell him, but he already he had plans with his family. The reason I was not informed or invited is because Jared's family hates me.

They have good enough reason to hate me. I completely understand!! I would hate me too. In fact, I do hate me and I've been depressed about what I did for just over 2 years. And I've tried doing things to make up for it. But nothing was working. So last night, I decided that it might be best if we broke up. I can't handle the pressure of everyone disliking me. And on top of that, Jared was siding with them.

I would never be able to move out with him because he wouldn't be able to have his parties. If we got married, no one would celebrate. But I'm sure everyone is celebrating now.

Silver ear cuff with an anodized spoke nipple and silver chain to a silver stud.

In other news:

SIR Patrick Stewart. I think that's awesome.

So I've been shopping all week, as you all know. You know what I forgot to get? A birthday present for my mom. Her birthday is Friday. So I'm making her the warmest scarf ever. Get a Knifty Knitter. Knit a tube and tie off the edges. That makes a double layer scarf. It's so wonderful! And this the Knifty Knitter, you are forced to use chunky thick yarn because the knit is so loose. So soft!

Luckily, the chunky thick yarn was on sale for $5 a ball. I hope you know how cheap that is. Yarn is expensive!!! So I'm going to make 3 pairs of extra long leg warmers for $10 a pair. Maybe I won't have to buy them from AA. We'll see how that turns out.

Day 25 → Your day, in great detail: ( argh )

Day 26 → Your week, in great detail: ( she works hard for her money )

Day 27 → This month, in great detail: ( the winter of my discontent )

Day 28 → This year, in great detail: ( 2009 can go and die now; I have made great pains to lay tracks for 2010 into non-suckage territory )

tags: 30 days of meme, i can has a future, i have a real life too, the failboat is leaving port, work

Did plently of boxing week shopping. A big shout out to my shopping partner Katty!! WHOOO! She stuck it out with me.

Sunridge Mall was Sunday. destroyed old Navy. I got the Iron Man hoodie I had been looking at online. Oh yeah, the online store doesn't ship to Canadaland. That mysterious place that doesn't exist. Oh well. I also fit into a size 2 jeans there. OMG flatter the customer much! I hate it! They make the numbers lower to make you think you're skinnier so that you'll be excited and buy their jeans!!! EFFFF!!! I've never been a size 2, ever. Most other jeans I buy are size 5. Really throws me off. But I bought them anyway. They were on clearance. ^^; I also bought some tights at Claires and a cute skirt thing at Urban Behavior.

Today, Katty, Alexis and I went to Kensington. I dropped off stuff at Trend and bought a really cool Guess top. I had $19 store credit from last time. I still have a few things to drop off, but at least I got rid of most of it. Yeah! We went to Charisma, the scariest store ever, and I bought spikes for my Juri costume. Then to Sakana grill with Lawrence and his friend. Had such a good time reminissing. After Dragon City Mall, we parted.

On my way home, I went to Winners to use the gift card from the coat that my mom got me for Christmas that I didn't like. $80 whoooo! Best finds were a Tokidoki t-shirt, and Betsey Johnson belt and the mini hair straightener (same as Kat got for Christmas). I did get some clearance items there are and extra 25% off right now. So that was sweet! But it is a lame time to go because a lot of stuff has been picked over from Christmas and previous Boxing Week days. 0.o

mood: content

Calculating how soon I can go see Sherlock Holmes again.

mood: enthralled tags: movies

Day 24 → Whatever tickles your fancy: A webcomic rec! Do you like pretty and detailed artwork? Episodic storytelling? Apocalypses? Read Freakangels. They post six pages every Friday, unless they skip a week, which is torturous but thankfully fairly rare. The site navigation sucks a bit, so here is a thoughtful and kind link to the first page. The volumes can also be bought in print, and are probably well worth it if you like that kind of thing.


In other news, my new alarm clock might be possessed by demons. I haven't hooked it up yet because I could not be fucked to clear space in my room for its immense footprint or figure it out last night, even though my brother had plugged it in under the tree to play with it a little. Anyway, I unplugged it from the wall yesterday, and I am fairly certain it has no backup battery to power it in the absence of AC juice (I didn't put one in it, anyway), and yet my mom informed me tonight that the alarm went off while she was making dinner.

So anyway, I guess if you want to get me a belated Christmas gift, an exorcism might be nice.

music: Long Days - Wade tags: 30 days of meme, lol internet

Day 22 → A website: Television Without Pity, what would I do without your snark? Can I please write for you?
Day 23 → A YouTube video:



For giftmas, I got giftcards for Lush, EB Games and Chapters; a new alarm clock with an ipod dock (although I only use the buzzer aspect of alarm clocks but hey, self-setting, weekday/weekend dual alarms, and a DST switch, so that's cool); and a GPS! I am pretty excited about this GPS. I ended up doing all my gift-wrapping in bags because I Did Not Care. Dinner was amazing (there is so much stuffing left over, I am delighted) and I ate myself nearly into a food coma. That's wearing off now; I think I want some egg nog.

I work 11-7 tomorrow. Ugh. UGH.

Also, I am excited beyond reason to go see Sherlock Holmes. I intend to do this within the next week.

tags: 30 days of meme